The Dicipline Debate

Written By Mike Shihadeh

Summary

Discipline is the cornerstone of parenting, but not all methods are created equal. What may have worked for you, doesn't mean it will work for your children. Research consistently shows that physical punishment may curb behaviors temporarily, but, often leads to long-term issues, including increased aggression, antisocial behaviors, and lack of emotional regulation (American Psychological Association, 2019). This articles advocates for evidence-based, age- appropriate discipline that will foster trust, empathy, independence, and desired long- term outcomes (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

Throughout each stage, the article will emphasize that discipline is not about punishment but about teaching and connection, and how to do this. Replace fear-based methods with strategies rooted in empathy and respect, parents can help their children develop emotional intelligence, confidence, and positive behavior that lasts a lifetime (AAP, 2018).

TLDR? Effective discipline isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress—you will loose your temper and behave in a regrettable way, but, if your overall consistency focuses on building a strong foundation for growth and trust your results will show.

My Upbringings

As an Arab American, I’ve seen how physical discipline can persist across generations. It’s often inherited—a father got "the belt" growing up and now give it to their son. But understanding these cycles doesn’t mean accepting them. My father is a perfect example, he broke that cycle, becoming an example of one of humanity’s greatest strengths: growth.

He believed discipline wasn’t about punishment but education, and accountability. High expectations were paired with unwavering love and support. If I came home with an 75% on a test, he’d ask how I could improve—not to criticize, but to help me strive for my best. He and my mother fostered a nurturing environment, letting us explore our passions and become our authentic selves, they felt that success comes from authenticity a sentiment that is a core belief I hold personally and in my clinical work.

Thank you, Baba.

This article explores how to approach discipline at every stage of a child’s development, offering practical, evidence-based strategies to replace outdated, aggressive methods. From redirecting a curious infant from a wall socket to coaching an independent teenager, these tools are built to empower parents and build stronger, healthier relationships with their children. Next we will explore the outcomes studies have shown come from physical discipline

The Case Against Spanking

Physical punishment, like spanking, may stop bad behavior in the moment and very quickly, but the research is clear: the long-term effects are harmful. Studies link spanking to increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health struggles in children (American Psychological Association [AAP], 2019). Instead of teaching children what to do, it teaches them what to avoid—and that often means the parent. Fear-based discipline only works when the enforcer is present, undermining the goal of raising independent, well-behaved kids.

Think of spanking as trying to stop a barking dog by yelling at it. Sure, the dog quiets down for a moment out of fear, but it doesn’t learn why it shouldn’t bark or how to calm itself. And when you're no longer around the barking will come back with a forces. Positive discipline is more like training the dog with patience and rewards, giving you confidence that its behaviors persists with or without you around.

Effective disciplines educate and guide, they fostering growth and self-regulation. When we understand children’s developmental needs, at their age, and use evidence-based strategies, we raise compassionate, confident individuals (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

Parental use of any physical punishment in the past year, by age of child (% of parents)

Effective Strategies by Age

Infants (0-1): Why Is My Kid Set on Giving Me a Heart Attack?!?

Parenting an infant is like being on constant watch—monitoring, sometimes obsessively, a tiny human whose mission seems to be finding creative ways to get hurt. Babies are naturally curious; after all, it’s their first time navigating this whole “being alive” thing. That curiosity, paired with an uncanny knack for mischief, often leaves caregivers juggling heartache and heart attacks.

At this stage, discipline isn’t about correcting behavior—it’s about ensuring safety and building trust.

Stressors

  • Safety Concerns: Reaching for sharp objects, outlets, or anything breakable.

  • Sleep Disruptions: Exhaustion for both babies and parents.

Strategies

  1. Lead by Example: Infants are sponges, absorbing your every move. Even before they understand words, they mimic actions and emotions. Modeling calm and gentle behavior sets the tone for their future reactions (CDC, 2022). Example: Ever seen a baby bump their head, freeze, and then look at you for a reaction? They’re gauging whether to laugh it off or cry based on your response.

  2. Baby-Proofing Is Your Friend: Curious babies explore because that’s how they learn. Baby-proofing your home minimizes the need for constant “no’s” and lets them roam safely (CDC, 2022).

Toddlers (1-3): How Many Rules Can One Toddler Break in a Day?

Parenting a toddler is like managing a tiny, determined scientist—one whose favorite experiment involves testing patience. Their favorite question? “What happens if I do exactly what I was told not to do?” Toddlers are exploring their autonomy, and their new favorite word “no”, it's not to get back at you. This is a natural response to learning you have autonomy, to figure out how far it goes, a theme that will persist.

At this stage, discipline is about setting boundaries, teaching emotional regulation, and encouraging independence.

Stressors

  • Tantrums: Big emotions in little bodies, often over seemingly minor issues.

  • Boundary-Testing: The toddler mantra? “Rules are meant to be broken.”

  • Power Struggles: A constant tug-of-war between their need for independence and your need for order.

Strategies

  1. Stay Calm During Tantrums: When your toddler has a meltdown, your instincts are to reason with them—but tantrums aren’t about logic. Instead Acknowledge their emotions: “I see you’re upset,” while staying calm (bonus points if you do some self-regulation, maybe the kiddo will pick up on how to do it 😉), then simply give them to time and space to down regulate (NICHD,2006). This may take time, but, the dividends it pays is well worth it.

  2. Offer Choices: Toddlers crave control, so give them it, or the illusion of it. For example: When frustrated to leave the playground, don't say "time to go!“ instead gamify it "Do you want to skip to the car or walk backwards?" (CDC, 2022).

  3. Set Clear and Consistent Rules: Use short, simple rules like “We sit to eat” and stick to them. Toddlers need repetition and concise instructions to understand (AAP, 2018).

  4. Positive Reinforcement: Praise behaviors you want to see, like sharing or cleaning up toys. Be specific: “Great job putting your blocks in the basket!” (AAP, 2018).

Preschoolers (3-5):When Did My Kid Learn to Debate?

Preschoolers are experts at testing boundaries—and your patience. At this age, they’re blossoming into little lawyers looking for loopholes and pushing back at every request. They’re also learning their place within the family dynamic, often pushing limits just to see where they hold firm.

At this stage, discipline is about teaching responsibility, fostering empathy, and navigating their independence without tipping into chaos.

Stressors

  • Power Struggles: Preschoolers often want to assert independence over everything, from snacks to bedtime routines.

  • Defiance: “No” remains a favorite word, now accompanied by creative reasoning and arguments.

  • Social Challenges: Learning to share and play cooperatively with peers can lead to frustration and emotional outbursts.

Strategies

  1. Be a Coach, Not a Boss: Preschoolers are eager to learn but still need guidance. Think of yourself as a coach, helping them navigate decisions rather than dictating rules (CDC, 2022).

  2. Natural Consequences: Let preschoolers experience the natural results of their actions when safe to do so. For example, if they refuse to wear a jacket on a cold day, let them feel the chill briefly (AAP, 2018).

  3. Encourage Empathy: Preschoolers are just beginning to understand how their actions impact others. Role-playing scenarios or asking, “How would you feel if someone did "that" (name what was done) to you?” can help build emotional awareness (NICHD,2006).

  4. Reward Systems Work Wonders: Simple reward systems, like sticker charts, can help preschoolers track positive behaviors. For example, earning a sticker for cleaning up toys or using polite words encourages repetition (AAP, 2018).

School-Age (6-12): Part Curiosity, Part Existential Debate

The school-age years mark a big shift: your child’s world is expanding beyond the family and into classrooms, friendships, and activities. They’re starting to ask big questions about fairness, rules, and the universe—or just why dessert can’t come before dinner.

At this stage, discipline is about teaching responsibility, self-regulation, and respect for others while encouraging their growing independence.

Stressors

  • Academic Pressures: Homework battles and frustration over grades.

  • Social Dynamics: Navigating friendships, peer pressure, and occasional bullying.

  • Sibling Rivalry: Competing for attention or resources within the family.

Strategies

  • Collaborate on Rules: School-age children are old enough to understand and help create household rules. Involve them in the process to give them a sense of ownership and accountability (AAP, 2018).

  • Use Logical Consequences: When rules are broken, ensure the consequences relate directly to the behavior. For example, if they forget their homework, they might lose some free time to complete it (CDC, 2022).

  • Encourage Problem-Solving: Teach children to think through their challenges by asking guiding questions like, “What do you think is a fair way to solve this?” or “How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?” (NICHD,2006). Be curious to foster that same thinking in them.

  • Set Family Routines: Structure and predictability help children feel secure. Establish routines for homework, chores, and family meals to create stability (CDC, 2022).

Teens (13-18): Argumentative and Loving It.

The teenage years bring big changes for both kids and parents. You're no longer who your child is looking to impress or mimic, its heartbreaking, but, natural. They now want to impress peers. The work done till now will foster how much of their self worth is going to come from external or internal factors. Your job here is not to direct, as they will just push back, rather to offer guidance and a safe place to return after experiencing the world.

At this stage, discipline is about balancing freedom with accountability, fostering open communication, and preparing them for life as independent adults.

Stressors

  • Independence vs. Boundaries: Teens often want more freedom than they’re ready to handle.

  • Academic Pressures: Balancing school, extracurriculars, and future goals can feel overwhelming.

  • Social and Emotional Challenges: Friendships, romantic relationships, and identity struggles are all part of the mix.

Strategies

  1. Respect Their Autonomy: Give teens opportunities to make decisions, especially mistakes, while maintaining reasonable boundaries. For instance, let them decide how to spend their allowance but require that chores are completed first (CDC, 2022).

  2. Set Non-Negotiable Boundaries: Some rules, like curfews or screen time, should be clear and consistently enforced. Frame these as agreements rather than demands (AAP, 2018). Ask them to work with you in developing these agreements.

  3. Encourage Open Communication: Create a safe space for your teen to share their thoughts without fear of judgment. Use active listening and respond with empathy, even when you disagree (NICHD,2006). Be wary of the parental instinct to lecture about the "best" choices.

  4. Balance Freedom with Consequences: Allow teens to experience the natural outcomes of their choices. For example, if they miss a deadline for a school project, resist the urge to fix it for them (AAP, 2018).

Works Cited

Mike Shihadeh https://TherapyByYou.com
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